Check In

Photo by Tembela Bohle on

Today is the anniversary of the passing of both my grandmothers, who were wonderful women and meant the world to me. They were fixed stars constantly shining light down upon me. I miss them horribly, but I believe and know they’re around me all the time. I feel like I get constant hellos from them in many ways. I don’t view death as something to be sad over. Of course, my own human ego misses them horribly and accepts sadness as a completely normal response; however, my soul knows they are forever with me and it’s a matter of time before we meet again. Our relationship never ended, it just changed as all relationships in life do. I wanted to share something I had worked on and thought was ‘worthy,’ but this morning I woke up and decided that what I really just wanted to do was ‘check in.’ I ‘check in’ all the time, so I guess I just (for my own personal reasons) needed to really feel them today. I just sat down and wrote something. It is completely selfish. For my own personal needs, I needed to put something out there because I needed to feel them. I needed to honor the day. That’s ok, when we lose someone, I believe, they move on, but we stay ‘human.’ We still have that innate desire for the person we loved. We miss their touch, their smell, their smile. This is my way of letting that out today. There’s so much to say about grief and loss, but I want to keep it simple today. I just want to send some sort of hug out there into the universe and miss them and that’s what I’m going to do today. I love you grandmas, and today I just need to miss you a bit.

Missing You

They say it is impossible to remember the start of a dream.
They also say it’s impossible for you to see a face in a dream you’ve never personally witnessed.

I’m not sure if these are facts, but they’re presented as them.
I’m not sure of much these days, to be honest.

I don’t know if you’d like me even. That much time has passed.
I was easily likable, the last time we met.

Blonde hair, cute, uninterrupted. Not yet crazy or amplified.
No dark secrets swallowed. Survival was not yet my talent.

It’s incredibly hot for early June up here.
I wish I could lie, but I don’t remember the weather the day we buried you.

The world is very different. This morning at the grocery store,
A black woman and her white boyfriend had an altercation and were screaming.

Half the store were like children at the door of their fighting parents bedroom,
trying hard not to be seen listening to the excitement.

The other half had their cell phones out and were documenting,
some even narrating, anticipating police, violence, and even death.

You never knew that world. We were a cracked eggshell then.
We now are eggshells lobbed at each other for reasons I’m not sure we even know.

As I walked out an elderly lady looked at me and said,
I just don’t understand this world anymore.

I nodded solemnly. I was buying supplies to reduce scar tissue in my nose.
I am trying to breathe easier. Scar tissue just impedes that.

I used to think loss was ‘the ultimate fear.’
I now laugh at that and know that what we lose while we’re alive is far worse.

Every minute 300 million cells in our body die.
After death, they say the ‘muscles in our bodies just relax.’

When put that way, death sounds sort of wonderful, peaceful.
Trying to relax does no come easy to me.

I tell you all this today, as if you don’t know.
I know that you have see or have access to see what we’ve all been doing.

I guess today on the anniversary of your passing, I just needed to confirm facts.
They says anything your mind says, your cells have an identical response.

I guess my whole body just wanted you to know I’m here and I miss you.
I guess my whole being, all of my cells, just needed to feel that.

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