After a couple dreary posts, I wanted to post something that was uplifting. I found this poem, and I don’t know what mood you’d categorize it under. Often, people will say to me, “Oh, that poem is so sad,” and I don’t see it. I think I often like to write within the space where emotion isn’t so defined. Yes, it may be a poem about a breakup, but it’s also a poem about a time in your life that will never happen again, a moment you and another person shared. I think there’s beauty in that. This poem just goes right for that sentiment. I had endured a lot of losses, and I was not sure I could write again. In the midst of that, someone I had a very significant relationship attempted suicide. I had no idea how to cope. I was angry, sad, lost. She survived, thankfully, but there were days of uncertainty if she would. I was not sure how to process the mix of emotions flooding me. When you love someone, they never leave you. There are times we have to let someone go. Paths diverge. We never own each other in the first place and sometimes there is little choice but to let one another go. There are always hurt feelings and mixed emotions, but you never stop fully caring. The relationship was never healthy (and I take my own responsibility in that too), so it brought up all the things that I should have done or could have done differently, etc. It led me to where these things always lead me, writing. I began to write again, and the poems are terrible. They are just complete shit. I refused to get rid of them or delete them because they document something to me. Ironically, a few weeks later they led to me writing some of my favorite pieces I’ve ever written. I have gone back to them a few times and most are just so horrible they’re not even worth revising. Some people are the best writers when they are extremely emotional. I am not one of them. I need time and distance. Sometimes I will have an idea for a poem and I will write fourteen pieces with the same idea and then three years later, the idea will spin itself into the poem I wanted. When I look back at those poems, I did find a few that had something. There’s probably two or three that really are quite good. You may see them someday, but that is me working up to my ability to put something extremely vulnerable into the world, which I get better at every day with this little blog project. I ran into this poem, which I wrote at that time, and I felt like it captured more than I thought when I’ve read it before. The confusion, the bargaining, the memories, the love that still exists for that individual, and the truth that sometimes the best thing we can do for someone is let them go.
In heartbreak, I wish I could eat lilacs
So I could smell of something beautiful and hopeful.
I wish the tone of my body wasn’t so bashful.
I wish I could just walk up to you and lead you in a waltz
And spread the infection of dance.
I wish we could crawl into the still life and eat the fruit
And kiss with our mouths full of mangos and melons.
I wish we could fall into pools of dusk
With our clothes on and then shivering in the darkness
Hold hands and memorize the architecture of each other’s bones.
I wish you’d come to my bed, pale and uncertain,
And I’d bring color to your cheeks, your eyes.
We’d laugh until we could gulp no more air,
Hold hands, lay quiet, and watch the magic of the city rain.
In heartbreak, I wish I was a form of water instead of war
To provide cooling to the hearts we wore.
We would drive big red trucks knowing two roads would never meet,
Singing to the radio, enjoying the fact that t
The destination isn’t always the end of everything.
We’d find a pond near cathedral bells
And let their sounds scrape out the wombs in us
Of all the stillborn moments that deserve to be let go.
We’d kneel in peppers and strawberry patches
And give each other fruit to bear.
Eventually, the sun would start to set
And the taxicabs would be waiting
And we’d each drive off into the sunset
knowing we gave each other the sweetest heartbreak.