Orationis

So exciting day today! Today is the first day I’m using my own photograph I took as the backdrop! I hope to do more of this in the future.

Prayer

I was down on my knees.

I held no words.

Though, I knew I was believing something probably not true.

I sip tea. Derailed

I was not aware of me.

The men outside smoke, tell story.

Easy and happy they sounded.

The leaves, so pretty, so plentiful

Dust the sidewalk,

Drifting like wild horses,

Galloping down the gutters,

Fueled by the strong lungs of the north wind.

Something drifted into me, maybe planted

And bloomed. A cancer

That keeps me ready.

Melancholy leaves me breathless

As no lover ever has.

I take hunger away from everything.

Unable to eat anything.

It’s not a hunger for food, I guess.

Answers. Watching clocks.

Noticing minutes. Waiting…

Lots of this…. Waiting….

Test results, apologies that never come,

Visitors who think too little of me to show up.

Forgiveness or excuses? 

Sometimes they’re the same.

I can’t sleep at night unless

I let myself believe you wanted to be there…

God, rest this need in my heart

For someone to acknowledge 

They’re just as scared as I am

About not having my presence in this world.

I’ve listened to so many…

Been told I was something special.

Just be alive, it’s another morning.

It’s sort of a mantra. 

Shrub-lined streets, late night condos sleep,

I have always embarked on night journeys.

Here I can wonder freely what God is.

Here I can contemplate the idea of death.

Around me the trees sway, the touch of the breeze

That moves them almost tests me by staying, ‘stay.’

I have spent my life studying words,

Finding a holiness in them. I know

A lot of fancy ones, but I rip them 

From inside myself. Simple

As a heartbeat, the sound of a blue-jay’s carping voice.

Prayer goes into the marrow of the bones.

Its ache, its need, it’s the quiet on lonely walks,

The desire to have someone put their hands on me

And let me sob for everything and everywhere

I have never been.